♪♪♪ (theme)
Who's that on shovel number three?
‐Salkowitz. ‐Nice style.
He's a magician with latrines and cesspools.
Salkowitz!
A little deeper on that end.
That's where Major Burns sits.
You know, this is my first latrine digging.
Really?
You oughta come downtown more often.
Now this won't hurt a bit.
(Klinger humming)
Sewing?
Uh, yeah, I lost a button off my pants.
You devil.
Oh, hey, your cigars came.
‐Oh, El Redondos. ‐Are they good?
Havana cigars made in Newark by Puerto Ricans.
Wow.
When you gonna light it?
Oh, that's about right.
(phone ringing)
4077 MASH, Corporal O'Reilly‐‐
Hey, Sparky, how you doin'?
How's things down at H. Q.?
Yeah? Yeah?
Oh, no, I won't tell anybody, Sparky.
Okay, I'll be talking to ya.
What can't you tell anybody?
We're having a practice bug‐out.
Moving ten miles down the road.
You mean tear down all the tents and move?
Hey, Klinger, don't tell anybody.
My lips are sealed.
‐Major Burns. ‐Hmm.
Don't say anything.
Don't tell me not to say anything.
‐I haven't said it yet. ‐What is it, Klinger?
It's a secret.
Well, then spit it out.
We're due for a bug‐out.
Retreating?
How dare you spread rumors we're retreating,
rumor‐monger!
Would I "mong" you?
It's treason.
Anybody who would say America would retreat
is not army.
Who says I'm army?
I'm delicatessen.
And don't ever spread rumors again.
Tittle‐tattle will lose the battle.
A slip of the lip can sink a ship.
He's brighter than I thought.
We know something you don't know.
Major Houlihan is a brunette?
‐Garbage head. ‐Takes one to know one.
‐May I join the conversation? ‐Keep it short.
‐Hi. ‐That's short.
Guess what's happening.
Santa Claus is coming to town.
He is not!
And we spent all that money on tinsel.
We're bugging out. Retreating.
A battalion of North Koreans is headed this way.
Frank, is this something you've been dreaming,
or has the major been talking in her sleep?
Another garbage head.
Two garbage heads are better than one.
Wait a minute, when are we supposed to bug out?
Any minute. It's top secret.
We don't want the enlisted personnel
to know we're retreating.
Why, aren't they invited?
♪ I love to go swimmin' ♪
♪ With bowlegged women ♪
♪ And swim between their legs ♪
♪ Swim between their legs ♪
Oh! Howdy, Padre. Take it easy.
Water's cold as a witch's thorax.
Well, I feel a lot better.
You haven't even turned on the water.
No, but you're in such a good mood,
it just can't be true.
What can't be true?
That we're bugging out.
Bugging out?
What are you talking about?
Well, as I understand it,
an entire battalion of Chinese paratroopers
is supposed to drop in on us within a few hours.
Horse hockey! Excuse me.
It's just another rumor.
Like last week,
the Radio City Rockettes were supposed to play here.
What did we get? An Italian sissy
who played "Valencia" with his armpit.
(singing indistinctly)
‐Incoming wounded, sir. ‐Get my pants.
‐Underwear? ‐I'll fake it.
Yes, sir.
Wounded come before personal chafing.
Alice! Alice!
Let me go! Let me go!
Oh, give him a break, Alice.
You're the first woman he's seen in months.
‐B.J. ‐Yeah, Colonel?
‐Take this hip. ‐Right.
‐Where you from, soldier? ‐Connecticut.
Connecticut. Two N's.
Got it right in a spelling bee once.
Won a wax pistol full of grape juice.
Colonel, the guy back there.
Hell's bells.
‐Pierce? ‐Yo.
What is it, Colonel?
Shot in the back. Can't move his legs.
Spinal cord injury.
Can we get a neurosurgeon from the 8063rd?
‐No chance. ‐He needs a laminectomy.
You've just changed specialities.
You always give me the cuties.
Well, I sure as hell ain't gonna give this one to Alice.
Looks like shrapnel in the spinal canal.
If I go in there, we won't be able
to move that kid for 24 hours.
Those bone fragments could lacerate the cord.
‐So? ‐The bug‐out.
Chinese paratroopers and tanks coming,
‐four divisions. ‐Crock of beans!
You called me, Colonel?
No. I'm gonna scotch this, once and for all.
I'll call General Hamilton at I‐Corps.
‐Oh, he's a big shot. ‐He owes me.
I sent him a case of Preparation H.
Anything for the rear echelon.
Yeah, that's right. General Hamilton.
Binky? Sherm.
Oh, the missus is just fine.
She's stateside playing bingo with the Catholics.
Last month, she won some talcum powder
and a carton of Wings.
How's Marie?
Uh‐huh.
You just tell her to soak that thing every night
in warm boric acid solution.
In the meantime, one earring doesn't look bad
on a woman her age.
Bink, level with me.
We've got some scuttlebutt goin' around.
Give it to me straight.
Are we supposed to bug out?
Uh‐huh.
Yeah.
That straight, Bink?
Emmis?
We're stayin' put?
Good.
That's all I wanted to know.
What? Oh, you're welcome.
There's plenty more where that came from.
Just don't sit on anything cold.
Well, thanks, Bink. You too, General.
‐Radar! ‐There's no bug‐out, sir.
I'll go down to surgery to tell Hawkeye‐‐
Go down to pre‐op and tell Hawkeye
to get started on that back surgery.
Moving, moving, on the double.
‐Osteotomes. ‐Ready, Doctor.
Give him some more juice, B. J.
This is why you get the big money.
I thought I'd given him enough.
‐Well, don't think. Be sure. ‐I'm sorry.
All right, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Let's go in.
‐Retractors. ‐Ready, Doctor.
‐Whole blood? ‐Plenty.
Okay, you guys,
time to beat your feet on the Mississippi mud.
Attention!
At ease, smart alec‐os.
This latrine was supposed to be dug last night.
Why, sir? We're buggin' out.
Colonel Potter called General Hamilton.
We are not going to bug out. So get busy.
I'd like to start the holidays with a fresh latrine.
Your lunch, sir. And Cho Man Chin is outside.
Cold Spam on dry bread?
The kitchen's all packed up for the bug‐out, sir.
Bug‐out, my butt. And tell Cho Man Chin
I'm not interested in aluminum siding.
I thought you were outside.
Was outside. Now inside.
Sir, should I bodily remove him?
He'd bite your neck and give you the gleet.
Colonel go for laugh. No get.
Radar, tell the mess sergeant
to get that kitchen back in order.
We're not bugging out.
He'll punch my arm.
Wear your heavy sweater.
So, what are you selling, Cho?
Wristwatches that run backwards?
‐Sold out. ‐By the way,
those wild boar's tusks turned out to be plastic.
Oh, during wartime, you can't even trust animals.
Get to it. What's the poop?
Real estate. First‐class poop.
Real estate. Next, you'll sell me your mother.
Sold out.
You need property
'cause you moving.
We're not moving.
Word out, boss. You moving.
I've talked to General Hamilton at Headquarters.
We no move. We no mo‐‐
My God, now I'm talking like you.
Here you are, sir.
Seems to me I've seen that Spam before.
But it's warm now.
Got the stove set up?
Kept it under my arm.
‐Pass. ‐Oh.
Maybe I should go over to Rosie's Bar and Grill.
They have a hot rice dish.
‐What's it called? ‐Hot rice.
Look here, Colonel. Section 24.
Ten acres with view of drainage ditch.
This is the army. We don't buy land.
If we want it, we take it.
Colonel, sir, I'd like to report malingering.
‐Now what? ‐The men won't dig the latrine
because they think we're bugging out.
That tears it!
‐Radar, sound assembly. ‐I'll sound assembly.
‐You gonna need that land. ‐Hey, you,
that watch you sold me runs backwards.
Try other wrist.
♪♪♪ (call to assembly on trumpet)
Company! Ten‐hut!
I can't stand that pimply voice.
At ease!
‐You people‐‐ ‐(phone rings)
‐I'll get the phone. ‐Get the phone, Radar.
You people have been panicking over a rumor
which says that the 4077th is bugging out.
That is grade‐A, 100% bull cookies!
You service people should know by now
that scuttlebutt is as common
as cooties in your skivvies.
My apologies to those among us of the feminine gland
and to our resident celibate Father Mulcahy.
Thank you, sir.
I have spoken personally
to General Hamilton at Headquarters.
The general has assured me
there is nothing to worry about.
MASH 4077 is definitely...
bugging out in three hours!
Bug out!
Wait a minute, uh...
♪♪♪
Company, dismissed!
What do we got?
Multiple fractures,
dural laceration, and a hematoma.
Never doubt your X‐ray or your hairdresser.
‐Hawkeye! ‐Mask!
It's true.
We're bugging out in three hours.
Oh, my God, we can't stop now.
If the worst can happen, it will.
Pierce's theory of medicine.
Everybody's supposed to start packing.
Too bad this kid didn't come with a zipper.
‐Clamp. ‐Clamp.
(jet engine roaring overhead)
Kelsey, save those tent stakes. We'll need 'em later.
‐You sent for me, sir? ‐Where you been?
Well, when you sent for me,
I thought you were kidding, sir.
I don't kid, Skeezix.
I called you to put you in charge of this bug‐out.
‐Me? ‐No choice.
‐You're second in command. ‐Hot diggity dog!
I'm goin' up in the chopper to scout a new location.
You ever bugged out before?
Oh, no, sir, not intentionally.
Is this a drill, Colonel?
No, it's the real McCoy.
Now, keep an eye on the patients.
Sometimes we lose 'em on these moves.
A human life is more important than a kitchen stove.
Don't recite, listen. Load in this order:
1, pharmacy. 2, lab. 3, X‐ray. 4, pre‐op.
5, O. R., following the last stitch.
6, H. Q. 7, Mess Tent.
‐8, post‐op. ‐1, pharmacy‐‐
‐Saddle up! ‐Yes, sir!
(explosions)
Golly. The enemy really is coming.
They ain't playing Mahjongg.
‐Get with it, Burns. ‐Yes, sir.
Kelsey, forget those tent stakes.
We'll make new ones!
Why didn't I shoot my foot and stay in Honolulu?
HAWKEYE: More suction.
MARGARET: Yeah, right, right.
‐B.J.: Oozing? ‐Yeah, quite a bit.
Margaret, retract that some more
and get the field dry, will ya?
Blood pressure's 90 over 60.
When it gets to 100, sell.
‐More blood. ‐Right.
(distant explosions)
Can't they wait?
Looks like the army forgot to pay the rent.
Tell 'em the check's in the mail.
(explosion)
Sounds like the check just bounced.
Sounds like it blew up.
Why does the war have to be so noisy?
That's so you can find it when the lights go out.
If I get slivers, I'll have your stripes.
I'm a private.
Don't pull rank on me!
(humming)
Bring it back, bring it back.
Straight back, straight back,
straight back.
Left turn, left turn.
Let's get that first table up in there.
All right, you guys, grab a hold of this table
and get‐‐ Hey! Hey! Hey!
Can't you idiots watch where you're going?
(screaming)
(blows whistle)
‐Major Burns? ‐What?
That's not open for business.
(blows whistle)
Well, we've relieved the pressure.
There's nothing more we can do.
Will we be able to transfer him out of here?
No, not for a while.
There's too much risk of paralysis.
(explosion)
The Chinese are knocking at the door.
I don't care who it is. He can't have visitors.
♪ You go home and pack your panties ♪
♪ I'll go home and pack my scanties ♪
♪ And away we'll go oh‐oh‐oh ♪
This tent should have been collapsed half an hour ago.
Just getting my gear ready for the truck, sir.
‐You call this gear? ‐Please, sir. My brocade.
It's from the Spiegel catalog.
I always say buy American.
It's from Chicago.
Oh, sure, like Polish ham.
(chuckling)
These are not official gear,
and they'll not be transported on a vehicle
of the United States Army.
I will never give up the Klinger collection.
Come on, Pokey. Keep up now.
(bleating)
‐Cease! ‐Whoa!
It's okay, Snuffy.
It's just Major Burns.
Where are you going with these rodents?
I'll handle it. I'm just gonna put 'em
‐on the truck, sir. ‐Negative.
Don't get upset.
Just eat your carrot slowly.
Non‐experimental rodents
are neither military nor medical,
and they will not be transported
on a government vehicle.
These are my friends, sir.
Soldier, there are no friends in wartime.
How are they supposed to get to the new MASH?
Well, the guinea pigs can walk. The rabbit can hop.
And the goat can do whatever it is goats do.
Major Burns, haven't you ever had a pet of your own?
Just a canary. Never sang a note, and it bit me.
Maybe you didn't talk to it right.
Are you telling a doctor how to talk to a bird?
Major, I can't leave 'em here. They might get killed!
Well, if you start to cry, I'll give you a good slap.
Breakfast of champions.
Hawk, I'm staying here with you.
‐But don't get me wrong. ‐No, no, no.
You gotta go ahead and set up the new O. R.
I gotta stay here and watch the kid.
Yeah, well, while you're at it, watch yourself, will ya?
This place is gonna be under new management.
Well, somebody's gotta hand over the key.
Clap hands. Here comes Charlie.
Nice talking to you, Frank.
Well, what do you think you're doing, Hunnicutt?
Frank, your nostrils are flaring.
Well, they have a right to flare. I'm in charge.
That disgusting still is not coming
to the new location. It's not military equipment.
It's all military equipment.
The heating coil is from an ammo truck,
the funnel is from the generator shed,
and the filter's made with shredded skivvies.
Alkie. You'd tear up your underwear for a drink.
I would not. They're yours.
As a unit, that still is non‐military
and will not be transported by a government vehicle.
Oh, yeah? Well, what about your junk, Frank?
‐Let's see what you're taking. ‐Now, hands off!
‐Frank. ‐It's a gift...
for a fellow officer.
It's not Colonel Potter's size.
You know who it's for, snip.
Military? A hari‐kari dagger?
Well, it's brand‐new. Never been used.
Do us a favor, Frank, break it in.
(groaning)
I couldn't agree more.
Doc, I hate to say what I have to say.
‐Who told you to say it? ‐Major Burns.
Then I'm gonna hate to hear what you have to say.
He wants your chair on the truck.
Uh, you tell him if he takes this chair,
my tuchus will attack him barehanded.
Your what?
The permanent vertical smile.
Famed in song and story.
Doc, I never even graduated high school.
Tell him to forget it.
Oh, okay.
What's his problem?
He wanted to remove my rest and recreation area.
How's the boy doing?
Slight movement in the toes.
Oh, good.
Yeah, I think we may be all right.
Listen, son, don't stay here too long.
Well, he needs 24 hours, Colonel.
I know, but if you see a cloud of dust
coming down the road and you start hearing
Chinese band music, get this kid on a chopper
and get your butt out of here.
We'll be all right.
Don't forget,
my wife is looking forward to meeting you.
Where are we?
Due West of Chin Cong.
Now, this is no good. No access road.
Go west toward Chuk Shan.
I'm starvin'.
I'd even settle for one of Radar's armpit sandwiches.
There's a good area.
Road, building.
PILOT: It's taken a few shells,
but it looks in good shape.
I'll clear it with I‐Corps.
Let's go home.